How to Hook Up in a Hostel

If life was a fairy tale and romance was perfect, you would meet the mate of your travel dreams on top of the Eiffel Tower and later fall into a big fluffy bed sprinkled with rose petals in your five-star hotel, rise the next morning to fresh strawberries and room service omelets, and then skip off into the sunset holding hands.

Well this the real world and sometimes you want to get it on with your mate-of-the-moment in imperfect circumstances, like when your only retreat is a somewhat-smelly hostel room with six bunk beds and a drunk girl passed out in the corner.

Never fear, here are some tips to help you get it on in your hostel. Some work better in all-girl dorms, and some in all-boy dorms. For coed dorms there are likely people screwing anyway so just go for it.

*Rule #1 of hooking up in hostels is to be quick about it. This is not the time for tantric sex. Get in and get out, so to speak. 

*BYOC: Bring your own condoms. Always. Foreign brands can be iffy and the condom machine down the hall may be empty. Make sure you have supplies well before the point of no return.

*Ask your roommates to leave. An awkward conversation for sure, and they may say no and go screw yourself as opposed to this guy/girl, but its certainly not as awkward as getting walked in on with your legs in the air. Plus, as fellow travelers they might just understand your dilemma and grant you a moment while they leave to check their email or grab a beer. Respect their awesome, absent selves by being quick- and tell them you will be.

*Put an explicit sign on the door like “In here with my new soul mate Pierre bonding our spirits in a fleshy fashion. Please return in ten minutes. Thank you!” If you just write, “don’t come in,” they probably will, but no one wants to walk in on booty bumping. Except boys- this tip really only works for female dorms. Again, try to be quick.

*The best time to bump is in the middle of the day, when everyone is out and about. The worst time? Early evening, when the hostel is full of people getting ready to go out. 

*Some hostels have smaller, separate bathrooms with locking doors. LOCKING DOORS. Sometimes other rooms like the laundry, TV room or library have locks, but don’t delay because sooner or later someone will need to wash their clothes and go get the manager to unlock the door.

*Wait until everyone is your dorm room is passed out drunk.

*OR JUST GET A ROOM. Spend the freaking money and get a private room, already. Many hostels offer them and if one is available, then it will make your night of passion with Paula from Patagonia much more memorable, and memorable in a good way- not memorable in a “three people just saw my ass” way.

*The cardinal rule of hostelling is to respect your hostel mates and treat them the way you would like to be treated. Don’t have sex in the kitchen (just gross), or pull the emergency stop on the elevator in a six-level building (everyone will know what you were up to) or brazenly get it on with people in your room, awake and agog. Respect your fellow backpackers for one day you too, might find yourself outside your room reading a sign that says, “Ten minutes please- we’re hooking up in the hostel.”